Mind your language
‘Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me’. Remember that?
As you grow up, you realise that’s hardly true and that words can cut deeper than any knife. But I want to talk about the power of words: not to harm, but to shape our thoughts and feelings.
First things first – it’s important to realise that none of us actually experience ‘reality’, we experience our interpretation of reality: first - the event, then your reaction to the event (based on how powerful you feel), then your emotion. Remembering that we have a choice about how to process any event is a stark reminder that we can take control of our mental health and that we are not passive recipients of what life throws our way.
So what if the words we say to others or the words we think about ourselves are dramatic or even catastrophic?
Words provide a window into our thinking and our beliefs. This can be a virtuous cycle: positive words affect our thinking, and positive thinking affects our words. The opposite, of course, is also true. If you speak and think in negative words you will lower your mood, anticipate negative outcomes, make yourself stressed, reduce your self-esteem, increase your social anxiety, and contribute to your feelings of powerlessness. If you use and think in positive words you will feel powerful, anticipate positive outcomes, create less stress, increase your self-esteem, reduce your social anxiety and contribute to you feeling more powerful.
Listen to the things you say and the way you say them.
“I’m starving” – something that is said in homes and offices all around the country, but, STARVING? Are you really starving? You’re peckish at best.
A sunny day and suddenly everyone is “boiling”. Even if it’s just a turn of phrase, it has an impact on your thoughts and in turn your beliefs.
Do you ever come home from a bad day and rant about it? Although it might feel like you are getting something off your chest, each time you do that, you’re re-living that situation and recreating those same feelings and emotions. When you speak negatively, obsessively and even catastrophically about something, it fills your head with powerless, unhelpful thoughts instead of helpful, powerful ones (these are the ones that create good mental well-being). It can even affect you physically (psychoneuroimmunology for those that want to learn more).
Another phrase you might find yourself saying: “That made me feel… stressed/annoyed/sad/happy”
The truth is, however, that nothing ‘makes you feel’ anything without you allowing it to. YOU make yourself feel things: in that split second between something happening and you ‘feeling’ something, you have a thought. It’s those thoughts that create your feelings. Understanding and accepting this is fundamental to thriving. So, X happened and I made myself feel Y.
Our language is evocative; it paints powerful pictures in our minds and can create some very strong emotions.
There are numerous studies that show the impact language can have on our mind and body. One of the most famous involved a study of nuns in Wisconsin, USA in the 1930s. When a nun joined the convent, Mother Superior asked them to write an autobiographical essay. 60 years later, 180 of these were studied and coded for expressions of emotion, and scored for positivity (Danner et al, 2001). Around 50% of the nuns in the lowest scoring category (negative emotion) had died. But only 20% of the nuns in the most positive section. According to this one study, you are two and a half times more likely to live a longer, happier life if you use positive words!
Start to pay attention to the types of phrases you’re in the habit of using. There will be repetition eg “I’m not good enough/I’m lazy/this is too stressful etc”. There will be a couple of narratives that come up again and again. “I must/I should/I need to….” – all of these phrases compound us feeling rubbish! When you’re in a negative frame of mind, notice when your language is catastrophic. Remind yourself that you have a choice! Take a breath and respond differently. It might not be easy, but if you start to choose different, more helpful words, you will notice the effect it has on your mental well-being and general stress levels.
Here's a very helpful phrase that might be quite unfamiliar to you:
‘What if it all works out?’
This is so contrary to what you might tell yourself at times. If you are in the habit of not feeling good enough, this is for you! We often are in the habit of preparing ourselves for the worst, but this is one of the most unhelpful things you can do and will predictably create stress and anxiety. What we think really matters and how we express this matters even more.
Tune in next month for part two on language and more about what language to use to improve your mental health.
Using the right kind of language is one of the easiest coping skills you can learn. A simple switch from negative to positive can do wonders for mood and overall wellbeing.
Recognising your inner voice, how you ‘talk to yourself’, is an important part of your mental wellbeing. Noticing the way you talk to yourself is a key step in making changes in your life. If you are not speaking to yourself and thinking in a constructive, supportive way then you are bound to be creating and/or maintaining problems for yourself.
“Don’t”, “can’t”, “won’t”, “not” are common ways of expressing ourselves in everyday language. You may not have noticed the impact of these words, but they are incredibly unhelpful when it comes to managing mental health. They negatively affect our self-esteem, shape the way we see the world and also our shape our behaviours. Research suggests that people become depressed because they brood and ruminate about negative thoughts and feelings and feel powerless to do anything about it. A very negative person might have 10,000 unhelpful, catastrophising thoughts a day, but when you change your daily use of language (both spoken and the things we silently say to ourselves) to more helpful, powerful and positive phrases, those thoughts will start to disappear as well.
If you are someone that doesn’t tend to think and speak in a very positive, helpful way then minding your language might seem a little daunting. However, it’s actually incredibly simple as the only thought you need to worry about is the one in your head right now! Thoughts from the past are already ancient history and the time to worry about future thoughts is when you have them. Ask yourself:
“Is the thought in my head right now helpful? If not, then change it for one that is or bin it!”
Helpful thoughts help you achieve the life you want, make you feel happier, stronger, more in control and full of life, help you increase your self-esteem and overcome any anxiety. They even help you strengthen your immune system.
Apart from noticing (and changing) the unhelpful, negative, powerless language, it is important to introduce the following types of language into your spoken and non-spoken language:
Calm language
We all have the ability to calm ourselves down by using calm language. Even when you feel panicked, if you speak to yourself in a calm way, you can calm your thoughts down. Calm language helps create coping skills.
Confident language
Language that suggests you are making things happen. When you say things confidently, you feel more on top and in control. Life feels predictable.
Kind language
Talk to yourself like you would to a good friend. If you wouldn’t say it to them, don’t say it to yourself! The word ‘should’ is a sure fire way to erode your self-esteem. You can always replace ‘should’ with ‘could’ – this suggests that you have a choice.
Minimising language
Even if you feel rubbish, never say it! If you’re in the habit of exaggerating your language, you will be exaggerating the problem in your own head and filling your mind full of negative, unhelpful thoughts. Do the opposite of exaggerating by minimising your language. By doing this, you can instantly reduce the intensity of your thoughts.
Forward-thinking language
Things are going to change! Things will get better. This is powerful and positive language. Try and step back and see the bigger picture.
Active vs Passive Language
Another important distinction in the language you use is whether it’s ‘Active’ or ‘Passive’. Passive language is powerless when you blame other external things for the way you’re feeling. It suggests that you don’t have a choice. Active language is positive, empowering and about taking control. It helps you become more powerful by taking responsibility for your actions and thinking.
You want to try and make sure that you are always using active language.
Passive: The weather was awful this weekend, and I had a rubbish time because of the rain.
Active: I chose to let the weather affect my mood.
Passive: My job is making me so stressed
Active: I’ve made myself stressed by the way I’m thinking about my job.
What you say matters, as you are listening!
Interested in finding out more?
FAQs
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